Finding Somedayland (aka Neverland)

It's been ages since I posted. I loaned my laptop to a friend which means I don't write at home anymore. I borrow a laptop from time to time but it is unreliable so I refuse to write on it. Can't imagine having my creative expressions 'vanished' without warning - I'd rather not write at all.

It took longer than I expected to get straight in the head after my summer romance hit the skids. Finally feel like I've got a better perspective on it. It seems I've spent the last half of my thirties learning how to just care less about things. How not to get so tangled up in what other people are thinking and other things you can't control. No more scrambling to explain myself or trying to get more from people than they are capable of giving. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it.

For someone who lacks imagination - I can certainly conjure up ridiculously fantastic worlds. The most recent of which is little place I like to call 'Somedayland' where all questions are answered and love & kindness are both acknowledged and reciprocated. Someday, when healing & redemption have worked it out - things will be different. He will finally understand 'why' I chose to keep showing up. Maybe, if I'm patient and hang on until he's well again, he will finally come around for good. He'll say all the things I want to hear and do all the things I know he's capable of doing. He'll be the guy I thought he was - the guy I still know he can be.

Yeah, that's how it rolls in Somedayland. No mixed messages. No broken promises. And no pesky, intrusive fantasy-busting thoughts - like even if he does achieve such heights, aren't I already past the point that it matters...in terms of relationship potential? Haven't I already done the test drive and decided I'd better find a more reliable/less tempermental model?

In the real world, for all intents & purposes - that ship has sailed. It's left the harbor and melted into the farthest horizon. Perhaps it's for the best in more ways than I will ever know. That's the thought brings me peace like no other.

Ah, the seduction of redemption. How the potential of a changed life can become a siren song of sorts. It's the draw of the story...fantastic, radical and glorious to behold. Oh how I hoped it would be mine. But there I go again...always wanting to be the exception to the rule. Hoping that just this once, the rules won't apply to me.

It's the music that taunts me whenever I threaten (however unconvincingly) to shut the door for good. Longing lyrics that nakedly splay my deepest desires. Helium Hopes that play bi-polar games with my emotions. I've gotta be more careful. I think I'm gonna have to add The Fray to my 'Do Not Play' list.


She Is - The Fray

Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land

This is gonna to break me clean in two
This is gonna to bring me close to you

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication

This is gonna bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

This is gonna bring me to my knees
I just wanna hold you close to me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

She is everything I needed
She is everything

what was > what is < what will be

Translation:
what was = greater than what is
what is = less than what will be

I was thinking about this all day. I just posted it on my FB page & I really like it. It's rare to find the perfect words to express exactly what I'm feeling in the moment.

Yesterday I was thinking, I got my heart broken for real. I suppose I thought it was an experience I was going to be able to avoid. It's not like I consciously thought about it. But I'm becoming aware of just how heavily I rely on logic & reasoning. Like they are bodyguards that will somehow keep me from injury. Of course, it doesn't apply to matters of the heart. As much as I wish it did.

I read an article today - "Lessons from Life's Playground". I found a bit of freedom in it. Allowing someone to say 'no' to being in my life and not letting their choice diminish me. Rejection has always been such a weighted & negative thing in my life. This time, I am trying to see the positive. Better to ache now than be devastated later.

I told my boss yesterday - I find it strange that I seem to miss T more as time goes on. Even though I know what I'm really missing is the idea of him, who I thought he was and had hoped he would become in my life. And knowing that it's a mirage - an unobtainable thing - just makes it that much harder. Because it means I'm longing for something & someone that does not now or may not have ever existed. And that's not how I roll...at least not anymore.

My friends say that nothing positive came out of the relationship for me. I don't agree with that entirely. I had a non-specific blurry form of loneliness before. Now it is focused & razor-sharp because I know exactly what I'm missing. Which is somehow much more motivating. Before T, I could drown it out with white noise - I had the t.v. or radio on 24/7 . But it just doesn't work anymore. I've been overtaken by a deep restlessness that I can't (and perhaps shouldn't?) escape. How will things ever change if I keep finding ways to make it bearable? It's not bearable - therefore I must find real & lasting relief!

The greatest frustration continues to be the financial shackles that still bind me. I can't 'get out there' until things stabilize. And it keeps getting pushed off which only prolongs the state I'm locked into. I am so sick of talking about it - of having my life defined by it. One thing is for sure, my generosity is going to be let out to play much less often than it has in the past. I don't want to be in these circumstances for these reasons - ever again.

So, yeah. I'm not real thrilled with my current reality. I am challenged to "keep my hopes unbroken". It is no small task for me...to survive 'what is' long enough to make it to 'what will be'. Oh how I pray I do.

Holiday Bliss

The cure for loneliness...spending time with people you love who also love you. I had a terrific Thanksgiving. Nearly drama-free. My mom put in a fourth quarter rush for the goal line but her attempt to mar my favorite holiday was unsuccessful, for once.

After much stressing over the finances - I decided to just get what I needed to bake. Spent under a $100. which is still too much. I can use some stuff for Christmas so that will help me later. I know I'll probably be freaking out next week but I'm choosing to enjoy the moment.

My baking adventure has turned into a mini Stay-cation with friends in Chino. (I had a great time baking with Jordan & little Sophie. They are thoughtful, smart and love to be in the kitchen. So I had a lot of help - I don't think I could have done it all without them.)

I got to be with 2 of my 3 adopted families. Spent a lot of time talking, laughing & reminiscing with my sweet friends. The 'got snowed-in in Bakersfield' is my favorite memory of all time. I really miss my friends - I miss being with people who really know me.

Got a text followed by a call from the Invisible One and both were sweet. When you have zero expectations of someone - any little thing they do is wonderful. I hope to find myself in a different kind of relationship soon. Hanging out with Jake & Niki last night reminds me of what is possible. He is such a loving, kind, funny, generous & handsome man - and he LOVES his wife & family. It is beautiful and it's what I still hope to find.

Holding on...Keeping the Faith...Grateful for what I have...today...

same as it ever was

Haven't posted in over a month but nothing has really changed since then.

I am terribly & increasingly lonely - it is becoming unbearable. I've spent the past four weekends in the office. I've literally got no place else to be. Staying at home in my rented room is my other option...and that is makes me stir-crazy. I want to get out and do something but what? Everything costs money. And my resources are thinner than ever after an emergency trip to the dentist that set me back $300. (And the kicker is - I'm not even entirely out of pain - it's an intermittant daily misery.)

I'll be seeing a bunch of my friends on Thanksgiving. I'm trying to get myself together emotionally before then. I was not prepared to go through the holidays alone this year. The more I think about it, the bigger a deal it becomes. And I really hate that because it's like I'm creating my own drama. I've been alone for the holidays all my life - why should it wreck me to do it again this year? Oh, but it will...if I let it.

I'm afraid of this growing loneliness more than I've ever feared anything. I loathe the desperation that it is breeding. It invades my thoughts and triggers emotions I'm finding I have little control over. I still have a mountain of confusion because my 'love' relationship just faded out. We never really talked about it and that messes with my head in numerous ways. I'm having trouble believing in someone new because I don't understand what happened this time.

I think the overall misery I'm dealing with is that difficulty & sadness are entertwined into every area of my life. Nothing is untouched. I keep thinking things are dark and hard because something good is about to break. But I'm losing faith in that notion. It feels like I've got a hundred needles sticking me - some hurt worse than others and the rest I just ignore until I can't.

A new mystery that I have yet to understand... Why people so intent on telling me what my choices are. It's like telling a Zebra 'You could be a Giraffe but you choose not to be'. It haunts me. Seriously. I wonder if I do that to other people? If so, I will make it a point to stop. Certain situations just don't have an easy out button. I can hear the other side saying 'yes, now you're getting it'. But if neither choice is preferable, why would I chose the one that requires me to behave contrary to who I am? So I can feel like I've lost even more of myself? No. I see no benefit in that.

I have come to understand why people choose to check out of reality with all manner of distracting addictions. I choose not to indulge my darker impulses. But I understand the temptation. It requires of giving over of one's self and that's a luxury I've always known I could not allow myself. My mind is too strong. Once I'm checked out, that's it. I don't think I could find my way back from that.

Yes well. On this long and continuous unhappy note, I will depart the office for an unknown destination. The sun will rise tomorrow and so will I - one way or another. I'll plan a Thanksgiving post that will be thankful for the good stuff - maybe that will take the edge off of this black hole of an entry.

between how it is and how it should be

Nearly single again - already there for all intents and purposes. Still not exactly sure what happened. Thought being together would be a positive thing that would carry us both through to better days. Maybe it did - I guess I just didn't forsee that we'd end up on separate paths. I leave room for the miraculous but I'm too much of a realist to pine for it.

As for the rest of me...well, it is what it is. Finances and Health - different sides of the same bad penny. I've been in a Lupus flare since June when my appetite disappeared and I lost 30 pounds almost overnight. I was just starting to get better but then the cough returned in August. Although it is not nearly as bad as it was last time and for that I am grateful.

My energy is tanked - I go home after work and crawl into bed. I have a low-grade fever on and off nearly every day. But worst of all, my hair is still falling out in chunks. To the point where it's becoming noticeable and I've always had more than I can handle. It's making my anxiety level skyrocket. I only wash it once a week because I can't take the trauma seeing it cover my hands in the shower. I am eating vitamins like candy and taking strong iron supplements to combat the anemia. It's not working yet...

The irony of having health insurance is that I can't afford to use it. And even when I do, all they ever come back with is that the Lupus is active and there's nothing they can do about it. (There is no treatment - they can only try to lessen the symptoms. But so much of the time the cure is worse than the disease so I'm stuck in a Sophie's choice situtation.) I do need to get back in for an ultrasound soon to check out the lump they found in my throat in February. But it'll cost $100. and I have to keep putting it off because I don't have it.

My finances are not yet recovered. I need lotto money to get out from under all that plagues me. It's the only way I'm going to be able to get my stuff out of storage & live on my own again. When I stack it all up and see how much it is - I am beyond overwhelmed by it. But that's an old story.

My faith has been sorely tested as of late. Still, walking away is never the answer. Like Peter said..."Where can I go? You alone have the words of eternal life." I've been struggling with loneliness pretty heavily. It's a constant ache that never really goes away. My friends are busy - they've moved on in a lot of ways. Their lives are full & challenging and I understand but it still hurts.

Being in a relationship over the summer relieved most of it. Until it started to unravel and I realized I was lonely as ever. I'm having a hard time adjusting back mentally all the same. I wasn't prepared to live without again. I want desperately for things to be different than they are. I just don't have the energy to put myself out there. Maybe when my Lupus is back under control...

So for now what am is - sick and broke and alone.

I know people who can whip up a fresh batch of sunshine no matter what life throws at them. I aspire to that but I can't get past my circumstances long enough to keep the storm clouds at bay. I continue to hope for the day that I will have someone to go home to. That's all I ever really wanted out of life. It's a good thing I still believe in miracles because I'm certainly going to need one if any of this is going to change for the better.

mastering the fine art of invisibility

Open Road

I'm gonna try living here for awhile...

Cause Love is a Marathon
that's why you get tired so fast of everyone
slow down and pace yourself
cause when it's good
it's a long long open road

- Teddy Geiger (wise beyond his years)

all that's left

Don't want to live. Don't want to die.
Sick of feeling ripped off all the time.
I made these choices, this is my bed.
And it's the only place I get to lay my head.

Should've known better - it's easy to say.
But harder to live at the start of the day.
I waited for you but you left me alone.
Abandoned and broken with nowhere to roam.

Now I have to retreat but there is no escape from
the hurting and burning because mistakes have been made.
Saw my reflection - caught only a glimpse.
Never could stand the sight of ruin or ritz.

Won't be long til it's over and done and things become
how they were before this charade begun.

Wanted him more, he wanted me less.
Shouldn't take it so hard - it was easy to guess -
that I'd be back here at the end of the fall
With nowhere to hide & nowhere to crawl.

Just worse for wear with no one who cares.

Worthless endeavors and lonely repreives -
wish I wasn't always the one who grieves.

What might be...

Hmmm...yeah so I should probably wait on this one. Til there is more to say...than what might be. I think my years of waiting have left me ill-suited for more waiting. I am feeling very much like the result of Turtle & Hare crossbreeding.

I met up with my old friend & our reunion made it seem as though there might be romantic possibilities in the near future. A strange Alice in Wonderland moment for me - the realization of mutual attraction. I'm not sure how well I have navigated - I have my moments...positive & negative. Feeling more of the latter over the past couple of days because the contact has kind of slipped off. We're supposed to hang out this weekend - so I'm sure everything is fine. It's just unsettling...and anxiety making since we were in contact every day prior to this.

I'm so all or nothing - & my tendency is to bolt from even the mere hint of rejection. I guess that doesn't exactly make me well suited emotionally for romantic pursuits. This is challenging my thought patterns & go-to behaviors - I feel a little off-balance and unsure of myself. Meanwhile, I am making a conscious effort to appear confident and unfazed. I pull that off pretty well, if I do say so...at least for the moment.

Look, just the fact that this guy exists in my immediate universe is a full-on miracle. That's where I'm trying to live but my insecurities are working overtime trying to evaporate my reasons to marvel. To be at rest in this thing that I did not bring about and cannot control. So right now, today...I will keep myself straight by remembering that this is just what might be - and not yet what is.

The New and the Old

It's June already - how did that happen? I've been pretty swamped - today is the first day in weeks that I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Feels strange - like I'm slacking off.

The last 6 weeks were brutal. Tomorrow will make two weeks since I moved out of my home of nearly 8 years. My roomies decided to move for financial reasons and I couldn't afford the lease on my own. So out we went - they to her parents house and me to a room I found to rent on Craig's List. Most of my stuff is in POD storage - furniture & household goods. I organized all my baking stuff and put it in regular storage in my boss's unit. That makes me feel less out of touch with the stuff that makes me...me.

I brought only the stuff I couldn't imagine living without. My bed, a stack of cookbooks, my faux Tiffany lamp, a blender and my kitty Gabe. He survived the move better than I thought he would. He spent a week hiding under my quilt but he's been getting braver and has taken to exploring the house and trying to befriend his new housemates. Button & Beetle are year old kitty sisters - they have been fairly gracious so far...considering. They spent most of the week doing the feline version of a Mexican Standoff. Lots of hissing and posturing from the girls but no flying fur so far.

I moved less than a mile away - right down the street into the cape cod style townhouses that are on the edge of the park where I go to shoot baskets. I gave myself a week off after the move before I started working out again. I've been so exhausted - feels like I just can't get rested. I went down to the community gym on Monday and did a half hour on the treadmill. On Tuesday I got caught up in baking for my boss's birthday. I was up til midnight which is never a big deal for me but I was pretty exhausted over the next couple of days. My workout plan for the week fell way off course.

I've got a wedding to attend about a month from now. I don't really have anything to wear and I don't want to feel huge in whatever I'm able to scare up. I really need to get out there consistently if I have any hope of losing enough to feel better. Eating right just isn't enough to get it off.

So the best thing just happened. A guy I lost touch with 10+ years ago just found me on Facebook. So awesome. I looked for him for years after I moved to Hawaii but he had just vanished. We were really good friends in a time in my life when I didn't have any. If I was really honest, I'd admit that I had frequently hoped that our friendship would someday....evolve. It didn't though - at the time he had a girlfriend and wasn't a Christian so it wouldn't have gone anywhere good.

He looks really good. He's got pictures posted of him & his kid - a real cutie and obviously the love of his life. Sounds like he might have a couple of boys. His profile says he is a Christian now - I had always prayed he would find his way. It is really encouraging to know that he has.

He was the last guy I was really attracted to. Sad to admit that as it's been a dozen years since I've seen him. I guess I just don't find that many guys attractive. I think its mainly because I'm looking at more than the surface - I'm more interested in what's underneath. He had a good heart and he liked me back. Two things I haven't been able to find since we were in each others lives...so long ago. Hearing from him reminds me of what it was like to feel that way and of just how much I want to feel that way again.

Not that I'm thinking about restarting anything more than a friendship with him. I think it's just nice to reconnect with someone who really knew me & who liked me for me. Hoping for anything more than that is a setup and I won't do that to myself...not again.

I swore off unrequited love after I saw my first 'Mr. Right' put a ring on someone else's finger. While I watched him kiss his lovely bride, I suddenly began replaying all the moments we shared and realized how I had completely romanticized them into so much more than they were... I was finally able to see myself the way that he had all that time. And heard him trying to tell me that he knew I liked him but he didn't feel the same way. I vowed never to lose myself in someone that way again unless I knew he intended to return my affections.

I've lived up to that. Unfortunately, finding someone to share mutual affection with has been an unattainable dream. Thus far. Here's to hoping I am destined to experience more love than I ever imagined possible...despite all past & current evidence to the contrary.

Food is not the enemy...?

I started keeping track of what I eat using the Prevention website. It's a great site - very informative, great recipes and home of the intriguing Flat Belly Diet. (More on that in a minute.) Keeping track of my daily intake isn't as hard or annoying as I thought it would be. And, knowing that I'll be writing it down has me asking why instead of why not before I indulge.

Because my limited finances aren't allowing me to be as creative as I would like - I have to plan ahead and be very thoughtful about what I buy. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps me from eating junk. Cutting out the Vitamin Water and sodas (again) have made a big difference. I'm drinking Ionized Water instead. Water I can drink without feeling nauseous and bloated - that is an amazing thing for me. I got these cool water bottles from Costco - they are sleek and leak proof so I can take them pretty much everywhere.

Back to the food... In November, I started reading about the Flat Belly Diet. Their take is that we don't eat enough healthy fats - they have a list of good fats that they call MUFAs that you should try to eat at every meal. Healthy Oils like Sunflower & Olive oils, Olives, Nuts & Seeds, Avocados & Dark Chocolate. Including a small amount with every meal is supposed to help get rid of visceral fat - gut and ab fat.

For once, I felt a twinge of hope because this diet is one I could actually follow - it's filled with things I like - Olives, Nuts and Avocados. Most diet plans are a joke for me. I eat very few vegetables and my favorites are also considered carbs by most diets. Most diets are packed full of all kinds of fruits and veggies that I can't or won't eat.

But this diet turns all of that on it's head. Here is a sample of a lunch suggestion from the book - Meditteranean BLT: Whole wheat English Muffin, Olive Tapenade, Minibel Cheese, Sundried Tomatoes, Romaine & Turkey Bacon. Total Calories = 376 calories. I'd probably leave off the Romaine - just cause that's what I do but the rest of it is totally doable.

Like I said before, I don't have the money to go out and buy all the stuff I'd need to follow this diet. The avocados alone would kill my budget. But it got me thinking. For as long as I can remember, my focus has always been on what I couldn't have. It occured to me that it is a narrow and negative way to think about food. And that led to an interesting question. What if I just started eating the healthy foods that I did like?

I grabbed my book on produce off the shelf and started to make a list. I made 4 different categories - things I like, things I kinda like, things I don't like and things I hate. To my sincere surprise, I found that there are a lot more things on the menu than I gave myself credit for. And my hate list wasn't nearly as long as I thought it would be. I can't stand onions, bell peppers, kale, cauliflower, jicama, celery, eggplant and bitter greens. But the good list included a few different kinds of squash, broccoli, bean sprouts, asparagus, spinach, zucchini, sweet potatoes and a bunch of fruits.

I have narrow filters but there are still more things I can eat than I thought. Texture is king. The secret for me is how things are prepared. I've been pulling my cookbooks off the shelf - How To Cook Everything by Mark Bittman is my bedtime reader. I'm thinking that roasting might be my new best friend. I plan to find out - one dish at a time.

Sustainable Change

Yes, well...You'd think with only one job I would be a posting fiend but not so thus far. I spent my first few weekends doing hardcore cleaning. I gutted my closet and reorganized my dresser. Feels so much better although I need to do some upkeep today...Later...

I have been quietly making other changes. Ridiculously simple & obvious things that I've never been able keep going for more than a few days at a time...before now. It's recently become clear to me, why that is. I've had a nasty struggle with perfectionism for as long as I can remember. And I used these unrealistic standards to cop out of really trying. There is a certain irony in allowing my perfectionist tendencies to keep me trapped in such mediocrity for all these years.

It's not just about the weight - it's everything. It's true of anything I was ever interested in doing. And my all-or-nothing mentality held me back just as much. It's as though I only ever had 2 speeds - Full-on or Dead Stop. It's not noble or admirable way to live...it's short-sighted & dumb. All or nothing doesn't work - it never worked. Now I see how that only set me up for repeated failure. Do what you've always done? Get what you always got...

So I have a different perspective now. My circumstances have been tough, for sure, but I am my own worst villian. If I continue to fail in life, it is my own fault. Period. To move forward, I must acknowledge the mental games I play & taking responsibility for how I've chosen to live. I am finally starting to live out the personal philosphies that I have been collecting over the past few years. Right now, it all boils down to 2 words: Sustainable Change.

I've been seeking out things that I can do now. Before my finances recover, before I feel better and all the other stars are aligned. My finances have not repaired to the place where I can afford to grocery shop with enough freedom to follow a specific diet. However, rather than being discouraged - I have gone a different route this time. In the past, I would have used my poor financial circumstances to excuse my unhealthy choices.

Truthfully, at least for the past year and a half - I really haven't had a choice. I was in the worst vicious cycle I've ever experienced. Lack of time and money led to 75% of my diet deriving from cheap fast food restaurants. I hated every minute of it and knew what it was doing to my health. Between two jobs - with the schedule I was working - it was eat on the run or not at all.

That is no longer true. Now, if I plan ahead and shop smart I can eat healthy. Also, I am staying hydrated - drinking a ton of ionized water and non-fat milk...and that's it. Most of the meals I now have time to make at home cost me much less than what I was spending on food that was killing me.

And guess what? I've lost 10 pounds so far. Now let me qualify that by saying...big deal...it's the same 10 pounds I've lost many times over. So it's not about the first 10 - it's about breaking past the mother of all 'plateaus'. This time feels different because I lost it honestly - not through sickness or depression induced starvation. Small sustainable changes have gotten me here.

I've been keeping track of my caloric intake, eating better foods and even getting in some exercise. All of this is a total shocker for anyone who knows me - including myself. Also, I'm finding that silence is one of the keys to success. Not talking about what I'm going to do before I do it. If my track record has proved anything it is that words are cheap - action is all that matters. Maybe I'll start talking after the results are visible.

I know I could really speed up my results if I started walking more. I haven't crossed over to that yet. But I have been playing some basketball - shooting baskets for a hour or so about 3 days a week. I love it too. Haven't been able to do it for years because of the torn rotator cuff injury. I am healed up now and finally able to get back into it. And that is no small miracle...trust me.

But what about the food? I'll save that for the next post....

the Future is Now

Well - my stint at the grocery store is officially over. Did my last shift on Sunday - spent the day marking stacks of stuff down to 99 cents. Crazy. Like working at Big Lots for the day only with nicer stuff. Funny that it's sad. I wanted out of that job so badly for so long but on my own terms. I always imagined I'd be able to go back and see everyone after I quit. But there is no going back - it's all gone now. Real closure.

I'm in excruciating pain at the moment. I'm writing for distraction while I wait for the pain meds to kick in. Went to the dentist tonight. Trying to get it all done before March when my insurance will run out. It hurts pretty bad...feels like the drill sliced into my gums. Also the tooth itself is throbbing - maybe they got too close to the nerve. I don't know. The pain is sick.

I've been seeing specialists - trying to get to the bottom of my latest illness mystery. While it is agreed that I do have all the classic symptoms of Hashimoto's - one negative test skews everything. So the Endocrinologist is attributing the thyroid antibodies are to Lupus. Not having something new is good news. Except that if it had been Hashimoto's - they could fix it. Not so, since it's Lupus...nothing can be done for that. Traditional Medicine has very little to offer me. Steroids or worse. That's all they've got.

My friend hooked me up with an appointment with a alternative doctor who deals with metabolic issues. She started going to him a couple of years ago. She tried to tell me about him but I couldn't wrap my head around exactly how he did what he did. I call him the VooDoo Dr. Now I've been to him and so have a bunch of others. Everyone who has gone to him has been helped in some way. Good stuff.

In addition, another friend got into this Ionized Water. I just started on it yesterday so I'm in wait & see mode. It seems very promising. I drank a bunch of it. I have trouble with liquids so I am constantly dehydrated. I never drink water in the morning - it makes me feel nauseous. I drank some of this stuff this morning and there were no adverse effects. Drank it all day - something I never do. I have to say, I do feel a bit better - aside from this kickin' toothache.

Speaking of which....Hallelujah....the meds are finally kicking in. And it's midnight so technically the future has arrived and I'll need some rest if I'm going to be up to the challenge.

The Good The Bad and The Undecided

Well, lots of change happening...now and soon. The Grocery store job is going to be over next month. They are closing down our location and I got laid off. While I've wanted to get out of the job - it's happening sooner than I planned. I was thinking I would hold onto it until March or April. Until my other job was paying me well enough to ensure I could quit without suffering. This is definitely not my timing.

The Office job is changing too, downsizing. We are moving - today & tomorrow - and starting over in a new office. No more mortgages - we're going to be doing mostly Debt Settlements. Lots of leads & advertising - radio, live calls & whatever else we can think of. Whatever it takes to make the phone ring.

For my part, I won't really be a loan processor anymore. I'll be doing all kinds of stuff - I suspect bookkeeping is going to be taking up a lot of my time. I don't have much practical experience keeping books. I'm going to have to take a crash course. And there'll be lots of prayer because I already know I can't do this on my own.

I'm trying to max my health & dental benefits out before the final axe falls. I've been pretty sick lately. I just don't feel good. I've been having trouble breathing, heart palpitations, crazy hair loss, fatigue, wicked coughing fits, nagging toothaches...I'm falling apart! I go on Wednesday to look over the bloodwork with the doctor. I want her to figure out what this is so I can get better. Hypothyroidism is my guess but I don't know yet.

I hope it is easy to fix and perhaps somehow involve rebooting my stuck-in-concrete metabolism so I can get some of this weight off. I know I'm not right if I actually want go get to sleep and that's what's going on tonight. I haven't been breathing since this afternoon and that has sapped all my energy. I just want to get healthy so I can stop feeling & sounding like I'm 90.

Still with all that is going on, I feel a bit hopeful. If I could just make it halfway to my end goal financially - get some immediate needs met & end some of this relentless pressure off... Man that is what I'm desperately hoping for. Tomorrow is a big day and I'm totally drained so I'm done complaining for the night. I'll check back in on Wednesday - hopefully with some good news for once!

Things I'd like to do this year

Start baking again
I'd like to start experimenting - maybe actually make use of my cookbook collection. Playing with Brownie recipes until I find a favorite. Test new Cake recipes. Practice decorating techniques on faux cakes. Working up new flavor combinations. Write Dessert Menus - cafe, catering, bake shop.

Cook...a little
Make & freeze a mess of Dad's Chili. Try out a few Casseroles. Find a good Chicken recipe. Master my favorite pasta dish. Find new things to love.

Get Healthy
Get bloodwork done. See an Endocrinologist - look into hypothyroidism, anemia, nutritional deficiencies. Go walking often enough to make a difference. Find enough food options to eat for health. Lose the spare tires.

Seek Spiritual Regeneration
Immerse myself back into things that matter. Pray for myself and others...every single day. Ask for the incredible and the impossible - be ready for it to happen.

Start thinking & planning
Decide where I should live after the kids move out. Stay here with another roommate or find a smaller place? Clean out the garage - part with the junk.

FINISH THE STORY
Set regular intervals of time aside to write. Save money for a thin, quiet Mac - search Craig's List for a good deal. Figure out a way to get better internet access at home.

Get out of the Financial Hole
File back tax returns. Figure out what to do about the IRS and the Credit Judgement. Get out from under HFC debt. Payoff Credit Cards - reduce monthly overhead.

Start Hoping Again....

Hauoli Makahiki Hou

It's the eve of the New Year. I've been M.I.A. here for many weeks - working mostly. Also haven't had much to say. I don't have much to say tonight either. Just doesn't seem right to silently fold over into another year.

I am soooo glad the holidays are over - they were hard for me this year. I haven't figured out why. I have had many moments of crushing self-realization. I avoided looking in the mirror for most of the past year. Now it's all I can seem to do. I keep thinking - how did I become this person? Pathetic, miserable, bitter and consumed with disappointment. I am not coping well. My circumstances have finally gotten the better of me.

I feel disappointed about every aspect of my life - sometimes I wonder if I reek of it. I must. I've waited and waited and waited. At least with God I thought I wasn't invisible. I thought if I just kept waiting that eventually something or someone amazing would happen. I was patient and good and it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. Saying this makes me feel worse. It goes against my faith & everything I believe to utter those words.

Pretty sure it's the depression talking. It's like quicksand - it takes you down an inch at a time until you're up to your neck & fighting for every breath. I'm either crying or on the verge of it and everything is a trigger. I'm going to go get some blood work done - maybe some of this is organic...wouldn't that be nice? There's no magic pill fix for me. It can't all be physical. I'm way too lonely for that.

Happy flippin New Year, right? Well, here's to hoping it will be. My ability to hope is tarnished and broken. If I find the right solution, maybe I can be shiny clean and whole again. Three minutes to go...gotta watch the ball drop now.

Where you at?

Soooo I started this blog in July. I guess I should check in on what progress has been made toward my hopes & goals. I have learned that the last 6 directly rely on whether or not I am able to attain the first. I'm sad to admit that money or rather the lack thereof affects my ability to achieve everything I say I want. It's sad but true.

So, where am I at?

Financial Recovery
Well, it seems as if I am on the brink of a breakthrough. It is possible that some financing might come through to guarantee 6 months worth of capital for my boss. If that happens he can pretty much guarantee my salary for that long. I'm hoping that will include a significant increase - enough to get me straight. Enough to get me healthy so I can make the most of my health insurance before I quit/so I can quit the grocery job.

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've been working for wondering if I'm going to make it. Wondering if it's really going to happen this time. I am hopeful but I'm tired too. I feel like I've almost reached an ellusive mirage I've been chasing for over a year. Visual illusion or true salvation? A few more weeks will tell the tale.

Write Something Everyday
Not quite making this one. Just too tired. My weeks are bookended with 12 hour days - Mondays & Fridays. I work til 10 most Saturdays & have worked several Sundays in recent weeks - Round and round we go. I don't have the creative energy to produce daily. But it is more than it was and at least I'm conscious of it now. Improvement.

Better Nutrition
This pretty much tanked when I had to stop buying groceries to save up for the dentist. Emergency Root Canal...whoohooo. Brought my Feel Better Food search to a screeching halt. My hair is still falling out like crazy. I spent 2 weeks doing Acai nearly every day and that pulled me out of a lupus spiral. I'm getting the benefit of it this week. Tapped my already stretched finances but it was either that or crash & burn.

Work Out Plan
Got my MP3 player charged up and I've downloaded several of the messages I've missed in recent weeks. This is some motivation to make it outdoors. Now all I need is for time and energy to collide on the same day and I'll be in business.

Weight Loss
Feels like I've finally lost a pinch. Not much. Just a bit more room in the pants. I'm sure the liquid diet of Acai I had going on last week was helpful. When my finances improve I'll be able to take a better crack at this one.

Finish the Novel
I did get a bit of inspiration last week. I kept stalling out because the plot was weak and the characters were too squeaky. I may have found a way to round out my main character's motivation. A bit of art imitating life - and since the life I'll be borrowing won't be my own I need to be incredibly tactful. Work.

Getting Out There
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Nunca.

Perspective really is Everything....

Just as I was ending another 12-hour day, I got a text from Deborah Sue saying that Al Woods had just died. I was so immediately and unexpectedly sad. Al is Mike and Niki's Dad - they were all very close. He and my Dad grew up a few years apart in the Punchbowl area of Honolulu. Al was a good guy - a jokester, tell-it-like-it-is, common sense kind of guy. He was warm and loving - a real sweetheart. A great sense of humor and the ultimate conversationalist. You could talk to Al about any topic under the sun and he'd have something interesting to say.

He had a double heart attack a couple of weeks ago but they were hopeful that he was going to pull through. I was praying that he wouldn't die on Niki's birthday. But that's exactly what happened. I was struck exceptionally hard about that because I know how much Niki loved her Dad. Niki was a Daddy's girl all the way - the sun still rose & set on him - even all these years later after she married and had kids of her own.

So it really hurt my heart that to have him pass on her birthday. I called and left her a message - telling her how sorry I was and that I am praying for her. But it just wasn't enough - I've been so worried about her and I just needed to know that she was ok. So I called Jake, her husband, who has been home with the kids here in California while Niki is with her Dad in Honolulu. He told me he had been praying as well that Al wouldn't go today. But when he talked to Niki she had already made her peace with it. She said her birthday was the first day he ever saw her and it was now the last day she would see him. She said she was happy to share the day with him.

I think that is really amazing and I am seeing things in a different light now. Where as before, I was asking God why he allowed that to happen. Niki has been through so much in her life - it didn't seem fair that she would lose her Dad this way. Now I understand. The same things that seem really bad to us - something to be dreaded and avoided - can actually be precious gifts to the one who receives it.

I'd like to say that all of the grief that I'm feeling is generated solely for Niki and her brother Mike but that wouldn't be entirely true. I'm thinking about my Dad too. He's in a place he doesn't want to be because he is unable to care for himself after his last stroke. All he ever wanted is to go peacefully in his sleep. He didn't want to linger in useless despair. But that is what has happened.

And he is so far away. It kills me not to be able to be there for him. I don't understand why things have turned out this way for him. I don't know why but I have to trust that God is working out his perfect plan for my Dad. And that his grace is sufficient for both of us. And that while peace and comfort might be hard to find in this life, it will be ours without fail for all of eternity.

Perspective really is everything....

Until I met a man with no shoes...

Hands down - the craziest thing I have ever seen. I usually avoid those tabloid-ish TLC health shows like 'world's smallest woman gives birth' and other freaky stories. But I just had to see the Half-Man Half-Tree. Oh my word, this Indonesian jungle man has some crazy skin disorder that causes wood-like warts to grow all over his body. His hands and feet have turned in huge tree limbs. It is seriously shocking.

Some American doctor has figured out that it is an auto-immune disorder & is trying to find a cure. The Indonesian government forcibly removed him from his house and decides to force him undergo 6 months worth of surgeries on live television. I was horrified for him and now I'm mad. Governments are such clumsy beasts. I could go on but I'll stop there.

So, I'm thinking there's not a whole lot worth complaining about. But is it possible to update without negativity? If not, maybe I will wait until I can manage that.

Ode to Fallen Ones and One Yet to Fall

Fallen

I saw you falling like a shooting star
in the dark night sky
brazen and beautiful
mesmerizing were you

A blazing arch of sparkling light
streaking naked across the heavens
but already fading as you fell

I caught my breath and felt unsteady
as I witnessed your charging descent
I never dreamed of looking away
not for a moment, not for a blink

Long before I was ready
your former glory was but a memory
Now there's nothing left to remind
the world of where your place had been

Couldn't even retrace your path
if I had a million years to try

Only one of your kind
Nothing can fill the blackhole that’s left behind

Found myself wishing, then and there
that you had chosen a different way to be
no flash, no bling, no rock and roll
just a pulsing diamond in the sky, always there to see

I'm out here alone, under the same dark sky
hoping, praying and wishing with all my might
that I don't see another falling star tonight

Silence...what's up with that

So I haven't had much to say recently. I had a fair amount lupus issues: fatigue, joint pain and even chest pain in early September. That has eased some. I had a birthday which netted me very little drama but kept me busy for a week. I'm still juggling 2 jobs - the grocery job is better since the head baker quit last week. He was a unpleasant territorial little man who spread misery like an infectious disease. His absence makes the job more tolerable than it was. I still want out in a big way but it doesn't look like it's going to happen soon.

My main job has become increasingly busy. Lots of motion but we're still waiting for the payoff. I'm just focused on doing the best I can - I'm trying not to worry about the money as that is a major a distraction. Survival isn't going to cut it - we need to thrive.

I've got to say...living poorly is getting old. I have two teeth that are about to turn on me but I don't have the resources. I'm going to end up in an emergency situation again. I got a referral from a co-worker to a dentist - they charged me $500. for xrays and a cleaning. $500.!!!! I could've had an entire crown done for that much. Nothing I can do about it now. Just have to hope that my teeth hold out long enough for me to pay that off and scrape more together to get them fixed one at a time.

I haven't been grocery shopping in almost a month. I do pick up a handful of things on Fridays when I get 30% off. A loaf of bread, a carton of milk, a few apples, some deli meat - the makings for a few not-so-well-rounded meals. Saving up for the dentist (who I thought was going to help me but totally jacked me instead) used up most of my food money.

It's pitiful really. I know it is. I can't believe I've been living like this for over a year. It is totally ridiculous that I am working 60 hours a week and I still can't afford to feed myself. How is that even possible? Who knew being so poor would make me so whiny...

all about the little things

Bits and pieces of normality that are starting to add up...

Had some good things happen this week. Finally closed 3 loans that dragged out 2 weeks longer than we thought they would. I got to sign 2 of them which brought in $300. extra for me. Very cool - hopefully I will use it well.

Old Navy had a $12 Jeans sale yesterday. All of mine are stained or ripped which has me in serious need so I hobbled to the mall after work and got 3 pairs. I didn't get to try them on because I got there 5 minutes to closing and there was no time. I'm only 1 for 3 on the fit but I can exchange them so that's good.

I had lunch with a friend from work...in a restaurant no less. It's seems ridiculous that such an event has become worth mentioning but that it is. Went out for a salad today after church and managed to go dutch though my generous friend usually gets the jump on me. Didn't go food shopping today but I still have food in the fridge from last week's foray to the grocery store. I actually cooked up a batch of Trader Joe's Orange Chicken & Brown Rice on Wednesday and took the leftovers for lunch the next day. Hot food is good for the soul.

My health on the other hand is less than perfect at the moment. I had to leave work early yesterday because my feet were killing me. The toes and arch on my left foot feel like they are sprained. Randomly, my ankle acted up as I was leaving the mall - it felt like it was sprained as well. I ended up limping badly all the way to the car. Also my left shoulder blade (where I had the infection in March) starting aching again last night. So much for working out...

So obviously I've got increased inflammation and it's running wild. I'm usually not this aggravated by it but I'm pretty uncomfortable. I've been having muscle spasms and random chest pain. I keep waiting for it to pass because it always does...eventually. Ironically, I have health insurance at the moment but I still can't really afford to use it and I don't have a good doctor to see anyway. By now, I'm used to self-diagnosing anyway.

I cross-referenced my test results and ended with a curious possibility ... hypothyroidism. I have a lot of the symptoms - including hair loss - and I appear to be low in all the right places. I'd like to get the right tests run while I'm still insured. I am so itching to quit the grocery job that is my insurance benefactor but it seems foolish considering how active the Lupus is at this moment. The irony is, the lack of rest I'm getting is pushing the Lupus activity which in turn moves the insurance out of the luxury column and into necessity. Yes it reeks of irony.

Can't solve all of my mysteries tonight and it is past the witching hour so I'd better pack it in. I am super grateful for the things that are going right - the little things aren't so little when they've been such a long time coming. I'll take whatever sunshine that comes my way.

Singing the Gotta-have-2-jobs-so-I've-only-got-1-Day-Off Blues

So I've found that Grocery Shopping is at least one of the secrets to my success. No Groceries = No Choices = Bad Choices. Sunday is my only day off but I have to make it count if I'm going to keep my week under control. That didn't happen last week because I hung out with friends for the first time in a long time - which is exactly what I wanted to do. The unfortunate consequence of that choice is that I ended up eating old fruit, pretzels and lots of toast for most of the week.

Working 6 days a week is no picnic. I really want out of my grocery job. It's physically taxing - it saps my energy and makes me too tired to work out. I have a finite amount of energy due to Lupus. Acai definitely helps with this but I can't always squeeze it in. I'm making better food choices but it's going to take a whole lot more than that to lose what I need to lose.

This morning I woke up with chest pain - felt like a dull knife was pushing into my heart. It happens every now and then. I tell myself it's nothing - I'm too young to have serious heart problems. My tests showed an elevated Cardio CRP which is an indicator of inflammation, among other things. Maybe it's Lupus related...I don't know. I didn't get much out of the doctor I was seeing. She failed to order a Sed Rate test I requested which would have helped make sense of things. So much for health insurance. It doesn't do me much good unless I've got good resources to help me utilize them.

I really need to get moving - cardio is as great for heart health as it is for losing poundage and I want to have both. It seems I get delayed or sidelined everytime I get serious. Totally frustrating. Nerve pain is the worst. My arches have been killing me which is mostly why I hadn't made it out yet. Also last week I fell at work and nailed my left knee cap. Between that and the intermittent sciatic pain in my hip it's no wonder it takes so much to keep me active longterm.

I drove to the big new Whole Foods in Tustin and roamed around in there for a good long while. I love checking out new grocery stores - getting lost down the aisles and dreaming about the possibilities. I prayed I wouldn't overdo it and I ended up doing ok. You really need to go in there with a plan because there are alot of curiously cool products - it's easy to get sidetracked. I really wanted to try these dehydrated Pineapple Chips I found on a teaser display but the sugar content was pretty high so I refrained.

I hit Fresh & Easy on the way home - they've got better prices on some things like the Greek yogurt and the Roasted Garlic Hummus I like which was $4-5 at Whole Foods...I just couldn't do it. Gotta make those dollars stretch.

Monday's a long day - I've got to work at both places tomorrow so I'd better call it a night.

Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes....

I started several blogs at the same time - more evidence of my all or nothing tendencies. I find that this is the hardest one to keep up with which is funny since it is the most me-oriented one in the bunch. I always find it more appealing to talk about the abstract than the concrete.

So, I've been working on some things. Last week, a doctor friend told me that my recent blood test results could mean that I have serious malnutrition and may also be pre-diabetic. Not good. I've had lousy nutrition for years but things really slipped over the past year because my finances tanked. Those 99 cent Jumbo Jacks kept me alive but apparently not well.

We started talking because I was asking him what the causes of major hair loss could be as mine is falling out at a distressingly fast pace. His response was: stress, an iron deficiency or a thyroid condition. Since my thyroid tests looked ok - it seems I've got 2 out of 3. Stress...yeah I got that and my iron levels are low enough to need daily supplementation. Of course because I neglected to do it soon enough, it's really thinned out. I've had crazy thick hair my whole life so I wasn't too worried when I first noticed it, but now... My scalp is almost becoming visible and it's freaking me out.

Nothing gets me motivated for change more than the thought of an artificially sweetened future filled with endless bloodletting. Oh yeah, and baldness too.

This is what I have changed recently:
I'm taking Collagen & Iron Supplements twice a day (hair loss)

Went grocery shopping for Breakfast & Lunch meals (dinner is still a mystery)

Stopped eating fast food...again (except for the now occasional In&Out Burger)

Back to Plain old Smart Water...No more Vitamin Water = less liquid calories


Baby steps. Hopefully by next week I will have added the most crucial and dreaded change of all - a weekly excercise schedule. This week I'm still in 'planning/research mode' which I greatly prefer over 'action mode'. Not letting my internal motivation have a physical outlet is how I've failed to make any lasting changes over the years. Turns out, those NIKE ads had the best advice of all...Just Do It.

I've noticed that Pain Avoidance dictates a lot of my ingrained behaviors. I like to sleep in and take my time waking up. Working out not only involves physical pain but mental sacrifice as well. I like to multi-task and outdoor excercise (all that's available at the moment) doesn't allow for that. Also, I don't like to step out of my comfort zone. My general perception of life is that most of it is difficult and unpleasant. So much of what I do on a daily basis is outside of my control. What little I do control is padded for maximum comfort, emotionally & physically.

My unwillingness to push myself has made me soft & weak. To get stronger physically I've got to get uncomfortable enough to not only get moving but keep moving. Initial Action + Consistent Execution = Desired Results. Sounds like the makings of a cheesy self-help mantra. I'm writing this stuff down because I find some accountability in seeing my thoughts on paper and having my process exposed. It's not pretty now but the outcome could be if I don't let myself off the hook.

What NOW looks like...

Well, NOW is the place I usually avoid. I spend time looking back - amazed that I've survived. The future is where the good life will be found. Now is meant only to be endured, merely tolerated until the future arrives to rescue me from all that ails me.

Right now, I've got about 15 minutes before I have to get ready to go to my grocery store job. I would have already quit if it weren't for the benefits. Ironically, I can't afford to use them but I hope that will change soon.

My 'real' job (loan processing) became full time this week. I thought that I was going to be so over the moon when it finally happened. But of course that's not happened. Things feel even more precarious than ever. More banks & lenders are closing every week - it's getting nearly impossible to put down loans for the most golden of borrowers. We are definitely living on the edge.

Physically, I'm at my heaviest. An irony in that I have access to less food than ever (except for the winter 1997) and a testament the how bad the food that I am eating really is. No time or money for Acai Protein Smoothies or Vitamins. No time for cooking at home or money for groceries. With pinch more money coming in now - I'm going to try to get my health regime going again.

As for the writing, I'm going to start blogging like a fiend. Get it all out on paper or cyberspace as it were. I've got a lot to say and not a lot of time or people to share with.

So NOW does indeed look a lot like what has always been. The difference today is what I intend to do now to affect change for what comes next. Living today as though it were tomorrow. I'm hoping this blogging thing will give me the accountability & purpose I've been missing for a while now. Only time will tell...