between how it is and how it should be

Nearly single again - already there for all intents and purposes. Still not exactly sure what happened. Thought being together would be a positive thing that would carry us both through to better days. Maybe it did - I guess I just didn't forsee that we'd end up on separate paths. I leave room for the miraculous but I'm too much of a realist to pine for it.

As for the rest of me...well, it is what it is. Finances and Health - different sides of the same bad penny. I've been in a Lupus flare since June when my appetite disappeared and I lost 30 pounds almost overnight. I was just starting to get better but then the cough returned in August. Although it is not nearly as bad as it was last time and for that I am grateful.

My energy is tanked - I go home after work and crawl into bed. I have a low-grade fever on and off nearly every day. But worst of all, my hair is still falling out in chunks. To the point where it's becoming noticeable and I've always had more than I can handle. It's making my anxiety level skyrocket. I only wash it once a week because I can't take the trauma seeing it cover my hands in the shower. I am eating vitamins like candy and taking strong iron supplements to combat the anemia. It's not working yet...

The irony of having health insurance is that I can't afford to use it. And even when I do, all they ever come back with is that the Lupus is active and there's nothing they can do about it. (There is no treatment - they can only try to lessen the symptoms. But so much of the time the cure is worse than the disease so I'm stuck in a Sophie's choice situtation.) I do need to get back in for an ultrasound soon to check out the lump they found in my throat in February. But it'll cost $100. and I have to keep putting it off because I don't have it.

My finances are not yet recovered. I need lotto money to get out from under all that plagues me. It's the only way I'm going to be able to get my stuff out of storage & live on my own again. When I stack it all up and see how much it is - I am beyond overwhelmed by it. But that's an old story.

My faith has been sorely tested as of late. Still, walking away is never the answer. Like Peter said..."Where can I go? You alone have the words of eternal life." I've been struggling with loneliness pretty heavily. It's a constant ache that never really goes away. My friends are busy - they've moved on in a lot of ways. Their lives are full & challenging and I understand but it still hurts.

Being in a relationship over the summer relieved most of it. Until it started to unravel and I realized I was lonely as ever. I'm having a hard time adjusting back mentally all the same. I wasn't prepared to live without again. I want desperately for things to be different than they are. I just don't have the energy to put myself out there. Maybe when my Lupus is back under control...

So for now what am is - sick and broke and alone.

I know people who can whip up a fresh batch of sunshine no matter what life throws at them. I aspire to that but I can't get past my circumstances long enough to keep the storm clouds at bay. I continue to hope for the day that I will have someone to go home to. That's all I ever really wanted out of life. It's a good thing I still believe in miracles because I'm certainly going to need one if any of this is going to change for the better.