Hauoli Makahiki Hou

It's the eve of the New Year. I've been M.I.A. here for many weeks - working mostly. Also haven't had much to say. I don't have much to say tonight either. Just doesn't seem right to silently fold over into another year.

I am soooo glad the holidays are over - they were hard for me this year. I haven't figured out why. I have had many moments of crushing self-realization. I avoided looking in the mirror for most of the past year. Now it's all I can seem to do. I keep thinking - how did I become this person? Pathetic, miserable, bitter and consumed with disappointment. I am not coping well. My circumstances have finally gotten the better of me.

I feel disappointed about every aspect of my life - sometimes I wonder if I reek of it. I must. I've waited and waited and waited. At least with God I thought I wasn't invisible. I thought if I just kept waiting that eventually something or someone amazing would happen. I was patient and good and it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. Saying this makes me feel worse. It goes against my faith & everything I believe to utter those words.

Pretty sure it's the depression talking. It's like quicksand - it takes you down an inch at a time until you're up to your neck & fighting for every breath. I'm either crying or on the verge of it and everything is a trigger. I'm going to go get some blood work done - maybe some of this is organic...wouldn't that be nice? There's no magic pill fix for me. It can't all be physical. I'm way too lonely for that.

Happy flippin New Year, right? Well, here's to hoping it will be. My ability to hope is tarnished and broken. If I find the right solution, maybe I can be shiny clean and whole again. Three minutes to go...gotta watch the ball drop now.

Where you at?

Soooo I started this blog in July. I guess I should check in on what progress has been made toward my hopes & goals. I have learned that the last 6 directly rely on whether or not I am able to attain the first. I'm sad to admit that money or rather the lack thereof affects my ability to achieve everything I say I want. It's sad but true.

So, where am I at?

Financial Recovery
Well, it seems as if I am on the brink of a breakthrough. It is possible that some financing might come through to guarantee 6 months worth of capital for my boss. If that happens he can pretty much guarantee my salary for that long. I'm hoping that will include a significant increase - enough to get me straight. Enough to get me healthy so I can make the most of my health insurance before I quit/so I can quit the grocery job.

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've been working for wondering if I'm going to make it. Wondering if it's really going to happen this time. I am hopeful but I'm tired too. I feel like I've almost reached an ellusive mirage I've been chasing for over a year. Visual illusion or true salvation? A few more weeks will tell the tale.

Write Something Everyday
Not quite making this one. Just too tired. My weeks are bookended with 12 hour days - Mondays & Fridays. I work til 10 most Saturdays & have worked several Sundays in recent weeks - Round and round we go. I don't have the creative energy to produce daily. But it is more than it was and at least I'm conscious of it now. Improvement.

Better Nutrition
This pretty much tanked when I had to stop buying groceries to save up for the dentist. Emergency Root Canal...whoohooo. Brought my Feel Better Food search to a screeching halt. My hair is still falling out like crazy. I spent 2 weeks doing Acai nearly every day and that pulled me out of a lupus spiral. I'm getting the benefit of it this week. Tapped my already stretched finances but it was either that or crash & burn.

Work Out Plan
Got my MP3 player charged up and I've downloaded several of the messages I've missed in recent weeks. This is some motivation to make it outdoors. Now all I need is for time and energy to collide on the same day and I'll be in business.

Weight Loss
Feels like I've finally lost a pinch. Not much. Just a bit more room in the pants. I'm sure the liquid diet of Acai I had going on last week was helpful. When my finances improve I'll be able to take a better crack at this one.

Finish the Novel
I did get a bit of inspiration last week. I kept stalling out because the plot was weak and the characters were too squeaky. I may have found a way to round out my main character's motivation. A bit of art imitating life - and since the life I'll be borrowing won't be my own I need to be incredibly tactful. Work.

Getting Out There
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Nunca.

Perspective really is Everything....

Just as I was ending another 12-hour day, I got a text from Deborah Sue saying that Al Woods had just died. I was so immediately and unexpectedly sad. Al is Mike and Niki's Dad - they were all very close. He and my Dad grew up a few years apart in the Punchbowl area of Honolulu. Al was a good guy - a jokester, tell-it-like-it-is, common sense kind of guy. He was warm and loving - a real sweetheart. A great sense of humor and the ultimate conversationalist. You could talk to Al about any topic under the sun and he'd have something interesting to say.

He had a double heart attack a couple of weeks ago but they were hopeful that he was going to pull through. I was praying that he wouldn't die on Niki's birthday. But that's exactly what happened. I was struck exceptionally hard about that because I know how much Niki loved her Dad. Niki was a Daddy's girl all the way - the sun still rose & set on him - even all these years later after she married and had kids of her own.

So it really hurt my heart that to have him pass on her birthday. I called and left her a message - telling her how sorry I was and that I am praying for her. But it just wasn't enough - I've been so worried about her and I just needed to know that she was ok. So I called Jake, her husband, who has been home with the kids here in California while Niki is with her Dad in Honolulu. He told me he had been praying as well that Al wouldn't go today. But when he talked to Niki she had already made her peace with it. She said her birthday was the first day he ever saw her and it was now the last day she would see him. She said she was happy to share the day with him.

I think that is really amazing and I am seeing things in a different light now. Where as before, I was asking God why he allowed that to happen. Niki has been through so much in her life - it didn't seem fair that she would lose her Dad this way. Now I understand. The same things that seem really bad to us - something to be dreaded and avoided - can actually be precious gifts to the one who receives it.

I'd like to say that all of the grief that I'm feeling is generated solely for Niki and her brother Mike but that wouldn't be entirely true. I'm thinking about my Dad too. He's in a place he doesn't want to be because he is unable to care for himself after his last stroke. All he ever wanted is to go peacefully in his sleep. He didn't want to linger in useless despair. But that is what has happened.

And he is so far away. It kills me not to be able to be there for him. I don't understand why things have turned out this way for him. I don't know why but I have to trust that God is working out his perfect plan for my Dad. And that his grace is sufficient for both of us. And that while peace and comfort might be hard to find in this life, it will be ours without fail for all of eternity.

Perspective really is everything....

Until I met a man with no shoes...

Hands down - the craziest thing I have ever seen. I usually avoid those tabloid-ish TLC health shows like 'world's smallest woman gives birth' and other freaky stories. But I just had to see the Half-Man Half-Tree. Oh my word, this Indonesian jungle man has some crazy skin disorder that causes wood-like warts to grow all over his body. His hands and feet have turned in huge tree limbs. It is seriously shocking.

Some American doctor has figured out that it is an auto-immune disorder & is trying to find a cure. The Indonesian government forcibly removed him from his house and decides to force him undergo 6 months worth of surgeries on live television. I was horrified for him and now I'm mad. Governments are such clumsy beasts. I could go on but I'll stop there.

So, I'm thinking there's not a whole lot worth complaining about. But is it possible to update without negativity? If not, maybe I will wait until I can manage that.

Ode to Fallen Ones and One Yet to Fall

Fallen

I saw you falling like a shooting star
in the dark night sky
brazen and beautiful
mesmerizing were you

A blazing arch of sparkling light
streaking naked across the heavens
but already fading as you fell

I caught my breath and felt unsteady
as I witnessed your charging descent
I never dreamed of looking away
not for a moment, not for a blink

Long before I was ready
your former glory was but a memory
Now there's nothing left to remind
the world of where your place had been

Couldn't even retrace your path
if I had a million years to try

Only one of your kind
Nothing can fill the blackhole that’s left behind

Found myself wishing, then and there
that you had chosen a different way to be
no flash, no bling, no rock and roll
just a pulsing diamond in the sky, always there to see

I'm out here alone, under the same dark sky
hoping, praying and wishing with all my might
that I don't see another falling star tonight

Silence...what's up with that

So I haven't had much to say recently. I had a fair amount lupus issues: fatigue, joint pain and even chest pain in early September. That has eased some. I had a birthday which netted me very little drama but kept me busy for a week. I'm still juggling 2 jobs - the grocery job is better since the head baker quit last week. He was a unpleasant territorial little man who spread misery like an infectious disease. His absence makes the job more tolerable than it was. I still want out in a big way but it doesn't look like it's going to happen soon.

My main job has become increasingly busy. Lots of motion but we're still waiting for the payoff. I'm just focused on doing the best I can - I'm trying not to worry about the money as that is a major a distraction. Survival isn't going to cut it - we need to thrive.

I've got to say...living poorly is getting old. I have two teeth that are about to turn on me but I don't have the resources. I'm going to end up in an emergency situation again. I got a referral from a co-worker to a dentist - they charged me $500. for xrays and a cleaning. $500.!!!! I could've had an entire crown done for that much. Nothing I can do about it now. Just have to hope that my teeth hold out long enough for me to pay that off and scrape more together to get them fixed one at a time.

I haven't been grocery shopping in almost a month. I do pick up a handful of things on Fridays when I get 30% off. A loaf of bread, a carton of milk, a few apples, some deli meat - the makings for a few not-so-well-rounded meals. Saving up for the dentist (who I thought was going to help me but totally jacked me instead) used up most of my food money.

It's pitiful really. I know it is. I can't believe I've been living like this for over a year. It is totally ridiculous that I am working 60 hours a week and I still can't afford to feed myself. How is that even possible? Who knew being so poor would make me so whiny...

all about the little things

Bits and pieces of normality that are starting to add up...

Had some good things happen this week. Finally closed 3 loans that dragged out 2 weeks longer than we thought they would. I got to sign 2 of them which brought in $300. extra for me. Very cool - hopefully I will use it well.

Old Navy had a $12 Jeans sale yesterday. All of mine are stained or ripped which has me in serious need so I hobbled to the mall after work and got 3 pairs. I didn't get to try them on because I got there 5 minutes to closing and there was no time. I'm only 1 for 3 on the fit but I can exchange them so that's good.

I had lunch with a friend from work...in a restaurant no less. It's seems ridiculous that such an event has become worth mentioning but that it is. Went out for a salad today after church and managed to go dutch though my generous friend usually gets the jump on me. Didn't go food shopping today but I still have food in the fridge from last week's foray to the grocery store. I actually cooked up a batch of Trader Joe's Orange Chicken & Brown Rice on Wednesday and took the leftovers for lunch the next day. Hot food is good for the soul.

My health on the other hand is less than perfect at the moment. I had to leave work early yesterday because my feet were killing me. The toes and arch on my left foot feel like they are sprained. Randomly, my ankle acted up as I was leaving the mall - it felt like it was sprained as well. I ended up limping badly all the way to the car. Also my left shoulder blade (where I had the infection in March) starting aching again last night. So much for working out...

So obviously I've got increased inflammation and it's running wild. I'm usually not this aggravated by it but I'm pretty uncomfortable. I've been having muscle spasms and random chest pain. I keep waiting for it to pass because it always does...eventually. Ironically, I have health insurance at the moment but I still can't really afford to use it and I don't have a good doctor to see anyway. By now, I'm used to self-diagnosing anyway.

I cross-referenced my test results and ended with a curious possibility ... hypothyroidism. I have a lot of the symptoms - including hair loss - and I appear to be low in all the right places. I'd like to get the right tests run while I'm still insured. I am so itching to quit the grocery job that is my insurance benefactor but it seems foolish considering how active the Lupus is at this moment. The irony is, the lack of rest I'm getting is pushing the Lupus activity which in turn moves the insurance out of the luxury column and into necessity. Yes it reeks of irony.

Can't solve all of my mysteries tonight and it is past the witching hour so I'd better pack it in. I am super grateful for the things that are going right - the little things aren't so little when they've been such a long time coming. I'll take whatever sunshine that comes my way.

Singing the Gotta-have-2-jobs-so-I've-only-got-1-Day-Off Blues

So I've found that Grocery Shopping is at least one of the secrets to my success. No Groceries = No Choices = Bad Choices. Sunday is my only day off but I have to make it count if I'm going to keep my week under control. That didn't happen last week because I hung out with friends for the first time in a long time - which is exactly what I wanted to do. The unfortunate consequence of that choice is that I ended up eating old fruit, pretzels and lots of toast for most of the week.

Working 6 days a week is no picnic. I really want out of my grocery job. It's physically taxing - it saps my energy and makes me too tired to work out. I have a finite amount of energy due to Lupus. Acai definitely helps with this but I can't always squeeze it in. I'm making better food choices but it's going to take a whole lot more than that to lose what I need to lose.

This morning I woke up with chest pain - felt like a dull knife was pushing into my heart. It happens every now and then. I tell myself it's nothing - I'm too young to have serious heart problems. My tests showed an elevated Cardio CRP which is an indicator of inflammation, among other things. Maybe it's Lupus related...I don't know. I didn't get much out of the doctor I was seeing. She failed to order a Sed Rate test I requested which would have helped make sense of things. So much for health insurance. It doesn't do me much good unless I've got good resources to help me utilize them.

I really need to get moving - cardio is as great for heart health as it is for losing poundage and I want to have both. It seems I get delayed or sidelined everytime I get serious. Totally frustrating. Nerve pain is the worst. My arches have been killing me which is mostly why I hadn't made it out yet. Also last week I fell at work and nailed my left knee cap. Between that and the intermittent sciatic pain in my hip it's no wonder it takes so much to keep me active longterm.

I drove to the big new Whole Foods in Tustin and roamed around in there for a good long while. I love checking out new grocery stores - getting lost down the aisles and dreaming about the possibilities. I prayed I wouldn't overdo it and I ended up doing ok. You really need to go in there with a plan because there are alot of curiously cool products - it's easy to get sidetracked. I really wanted to try these dehydrated Pineapple Chips I found on a teaser display but the sugar content was pretty high so I refrained.

I hit Fresh & Easy on the way home - they've got better prices on some things like the Greek yogurt and the Roasted Garlic Hummus I like which was $4-5 at Whole Foods...I just couldn't do it. Gotta make those dollars stretch.

Monday's a long day - I've got to work at both places tomorrow so I'd better call it a night.

Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes....

I started several blogs at the same time - more evidence of my all or nothing tendencies. I find that this is the hardest one to keep up with which is funny since it is the most me-oriented one in the bunch. I always find it more appealing to talk about the abstract than the concrete.

So, I've been working on some things. Last week, a doctor friend told me that my recent blood test results could mean that I have serious malnutrition and may also be pre-diabetic. Not good. I've had lousy nutrition for years but things really slipped over the past year because my finances tanked. Those 99 cent Jumbo Jacks kept me alive but apparently not well.

We started talking because I was asking him what the causes of major hair loss could be as mine is falling out at a distressingly fast pace. His response was: stress, an iron deficiency or a thyroid condition. Since my thyroid tests looked ok - it seems I've got 2 out of 3. Stress...yeah I got that and my iron levels are low enough to need daily supplementation. Of course because I neglected to do it soon enough, it's really thinned out. I've had crazy thick hair my whole life so I wasn't too worried when I first noticed it, but now... My scalp is almost becoming visible and it's freaking me out.

Nothing gets me motivated for change more than the thought of an artificially sweetened future filled with endless bloodletting. Oh yeah, and baldness too.

This is what I have changed recently:
I'm taking Collagen & Iron Supplements twice a day (hair loss)

Went grocery shopping for Breakfast & Lunch meals (dinner is still a mystery)

Stopped eating fast food...again (except for the now occasional In&Out Burger)

Back to Plain old Smart Water...No more Vitamin Water = less liquid calories


Baby steps. Hopefully by next week I will have added the most crucial and dreaded change of all - a weekly excercise schedule. This week I'm still in 'planning/research mode' which I greatly prefer over 'action mode'. Not letting my internal motivation have a physical outlet is how I've failed to make any lasting changes over the years. Turns out, those NIKE ads had the best advice of all...Just Do It.

I've noticed that Pain Avoidance dictates a lot of my ingrained behaviors. I like to sleep in and take my time waking up. Working out not only involves physical pain but mental sacrifice as well. I like to multi-task and outdoor excercise (all that's available at the moment) doesn't allow for that. Also, I don't like to step out of my comfort zone. My general perception of life is that most of it is difficult and unpleasant. So much of what I do on a daily basis is outside of my control. What little I do control is padded for maximum comfort, emotionally & physically.

My unwillingness to push myself has made me soft & weak. To get stronger physically I've got to get uncomfortable enough to not only get moving but keep moving. Initial Action + Consistent Execution = Desired Results. Sounds like the makings of a cheesy self-help mantra. I'm writing this stuff down because I find some accountability in seeing my thoughts on paper and having my process exposed. It's not pretty now but the outcome could be if I don't let myself off the hook.

What NOW looks like...

Well, NOW is the place I usually avoid. I spend time looking back - amazed that I've survived. The future is where the good life will be found. Now is meant only to be endured, merely tolerated until the future arrives to rescue me from all that ails me.

Right now, I've got about 15 minutes before I have to get ready to go to my grocery store job. I would have already quit if it weren't for the benefits. Ironically, I can't afford to use them but I hope that will change soon.

My 'real' job (loan processing) became full time this week. I thought that I was going to be so over the moon when it finally happened. But of course that's not happened. Things feel even more precarious than ever. More banks & lenders are closing every week - it's getting nearly impossible to put down loans for the most golden of borrowers. We are definitely living on the edge.

Physically, I'm at my heaviest. An irony in that I have access to less food than ever (except for the winter 1997) and a testament the how bad the food that I am eating really is. No time or money for Acai Protein Smoothies or Vitamins. No time for cooking at home or money for groceries. With pinch more money coming in now - I'm going to try to get my health regime going again.

As for the writing, I'm going to start blogging like a fiend. Get it all out on paper or cyberspace as it were. I've got a lot to say and not a lot of time or people to share with.

So NOW does indeed look a lot like what has always been. The difference today is what I intend to do now to affect change for what comes next. Living today as though it were tomorrow. I'm hoping this blogging thing will give me the accountability & purpose I've been missing for a while now. Only time will tell...