The cure for loneliness...spending time with people you love who also love you. I had a terrific Thanksgiving. Nearly drama-free. My mom put in a fourth quarter rush for the goal line but her attempt to mar my favorite holiday was unsuccessful, for once.
After much stressing over the finances - I decided to just get what I needed to bake. Spent under a $100. which is still too much. I can use some stuff for Christmas so that will help me later. I know I'll probably be freaking out next week but I'm choosing to enjoy the moment.
My baking adventure has turned into a mini Stay-cation with friends in Chino. (I had a great time baking with Jordan & little Sophie. They are thoughtful, smart and love to be in the kitchen. So I had a lot of help - I don't think I could have done it all without them.)
I got to be with 2 of my 3 adopted families. Spent a lot of time talking, laughing & reminiscing with my sweet friends. The 'got snowed-in in Bakersfield' is my favorite memory of all time. I really miss my friends - I miss being with people who really know me.
Got a text followed by a call from the Invisible One and both were sweet. When you have zero expectations of someone - any little thing they do is wonderful. I hope to find myself in a different kind of relationship soon. Hanging out with Jake & Niki last night reminds me of what is possible. He is such a loving, kind, funny, generous & handsome man - and he LOVES his wife & family. It is beautiful and it's what I still hope to find.
Holding on...Keeping the Faith...Grateful for what I have...today...
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
same as it ever was
Haven't posted in over a month but nothing has really changed since then.
I am terribly & increasingly lonely - it is becoming unbearable. I've spent the past four weekends in the office. I've literally got no place else to be. Staying at home in my rented room is my other option...and that is makes me stir-crazy. I want to get out and do something but what? Everything costs money. And my resources are thinner than ever after an emergency trip to the dentist that set me back $300. (And the kicker is - I'm not even entirely out of pain - it's an intermittant daily misery.)
I'll be seeing a bunch of my friends on Thanksgiving. I'm trying to get myself together emotionally before then. I was not prepared to go through the holidays alone this year. The more I think about it, the bigger a deal it becomes. And I really hate that because it's like I'm creating my own drama. I've been alone for the holidays all my life - why should it wreck me to do it again this year? Oh, but it will...if I let it.
I'm afraid of this growing loneliness more than I've ever feared anything. I loathe the desperation that it is breeding. It invades my thoughts and triggers emotions I'm finding I have little control over. I still have a mountain of confusion because my 'love' relationship just faded out. We never really talked about it and that messes with my head in numerous ways. I'm having trouble believing in someone new because I don't understand what happened this time.
I think the overall misery I'm dealing with is that difficulty & sadness are entertwined into every area of my life. Nothing is untouched. I keep thinking things are dark and hard because something good is about to break. But I'm losing faith in that notion. It feels like I've got a hundred needles sticking me - some hurt worse than others and the rest I just ignore until I can't.
A new mystery that I have yet to understand... Why people so intent on telling me what my choices are. It's like telling a Zebra 'You could be a Giraffe but you choose not to be'. It haunts me. Seriously. I wonder if I do that to other people? If so, I will make it a point to stop. Certain situations just don't have an easy out button. I can hear the other side saying 'yes, now you're getting it'. But if neither choice is preferable, why would I chose the one that requires me to behave contrary to who I am? So I can feel like I've lost even more of myself? No. I see no benefit in that.
I have come to understand why people choose to check out of reality with all manner of distracting addictions. I choose not to indulge my darker impulses. But I understand the temptation. It requires of giving over of one's self and that's a luxury I've always known I could not allow myself. My mind is too strong. Once I'm checked out, that's it. I don't think I could find my way back from that.
Yes well. On this long and continuous unhappy note, I will depart the office for an unknown destination. The sun will rise tomorrow and so will I - one way or another. I'll plan a Thanksgiving post that will be thankful for the good stuff - maybe that will take the edge off of this black hole of an entry.
I am terribly & increasingly lonely - it is becoming unbearable. I've spent the past four weekends in the office. I've literally got no place else to be. Staying at home in my rented room is my other option...and that is makes me stir-crazy. I want to get out and do something but what? Everything costs money. And my resources are thinner than ever after an emergency trip to the dentist that set me back $300. (And the kicker is - I'm not even entirely out of pain - it's an intermittant daily misery.)
I'll be seeing a bunch of my friends on Thanksgiving. I'm trying to get myself together emotionally before then. I was not prepared to go through the holidays alone this year. The more I think about it, the bigger a deal it becomes. And I really hate that because it's like I'm creating my own drama. I've been alone for the holidays all my life - why should it wreck me to do it again this year? Oh, but it will...if I let it.
I'm afraid of this growing loneliness more than I've ever feared anything. I loathe the desperation that it is breeding. It invades my thoughts and triggers emotions I'm finding I have little control over. I still have a mountain of confusion because my 'love' relationship just faded out. We never really talked about it and that messes with my head in numerous ways. I'm having trouble believing in someone new because I don't understand what happened this time.
I think the overall misery I'm dealing with is that difficulty & sadness are entertwined into every area of my life. Nothing is untouched. I keep thinking things are dark and hard because something good is about to break. But I'm losing faith in that notion. It feels like I've got a hundred needles sticking me - some hurt worse than others and the rest I just ignore until I can't.
A new mystery that I have yet to understand... Why people so intent on telling me what my choices are. It's like telling a Zebra 'You could be a Giraffe but you choose not to be'. It haunts me. Seriously. I wonder if I do that to other people? If so, I will make it a point to stop. Certain situations just don't have an easy out button. I can hear the other side saying 'yes, now you're getting it'. But if neither choice is preferable, why would I chose the one that requires me to behave contrary to who I am? So I can feel like I've lost even more of myself? No. I see no benefit in that.
I have come to understand why people choose to check out of reality with all manner of distracting addictions. I choose not to indulge my darker impulses. But I understand the temptation. It requires of giving over of one's self and that's a luxury I've always known I could not allow myself. My mind is too strong. Once I'm checked out, that's it. I don't think I could find my way back from that.
Yes well. On this long and continuous unhappy note, I will depart the office for an unknown destination. The sun will rise tomorrow and so will I - one way or another. I'll plan a Thanksgiving post that will be thankful for the good stuff - maybe that will take the edge off of this black hole of an entry.
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