same as it ever was

Haven't posted in over a month but nothing has really changed since then.

I am terribly & increasingly lonely - it is becoming unbearable. I've spent the past four weekends in the office. I've literally got no place else to be. Staying at home in my rented room is my other option...and that is makes me stir-crazy. I want to get out and do something but what? Everything costs money. And my resources are thinner than ever after an emergency trip to the dentist that set me back $300. (And the kicker is - I'm not even entirely out of pain - it's an intermittant daily misery.)

I'll be seeing a bunch of my friends on Thanksgiving. I'm trying to get myself together emotionally before then. I was not prepared to go through the holidays alone this year. The more I think about it, the bigger a deal it becomes. And I really hate that because it's like I'm creating my own drama. I've been alone for the holidays all my life - why should it wreck me to do it again this year? Oh, but it will...if I let it.

I'm afraid of this growing loneliness more than I've ever feared anything. I loathe the desperation that it is breeding. It invades my thoughts and triggers emotions I'm finding I have little control over. I still have a mountain of confusion because my 'love' relationship just faded out. We never really talked about it and that messes with my head in numerous ways. I'm having trouble believing in someone new because I don't understand what happened this time.

I think the overall misery I'm dealing with is that difficulty & sadness are entertwined into every area of my life. Nothing is untouched. I keep thinking things are dark and hard because something good is about to break. But I'm losing faith in that notion. It feels like I've got a hundred needles sticking me - some hurt worse than others and the rest I just ignore until I can't.

A new mystery that I have yet to understand... Why people so intent on telling me what my choices are. It's like telling a Zebra 'You could be a Giraffe but you choose not to be'. It haunts me. Seriously. I wonder if I do that to other people? If so, I will make it a point to stop. Certain situations just don't have an easy out button. I can hear the other side saying 'yes, now you're getting it'. But if neither choice is preferable, why would I chose the one that requires me to behave contrary to who I am? So I can feel like I've lost even more of myself? No. I see no benefit in that.

I have come to understand why people choose to check out of reality with all manner of distracting addictions. I choose not to indulge my darker impulses. But I understand the temptation. It requires of giving over of one's self and that's a luxury I've always known I could not allow myself. My mind is too strong. Once I'm checked out, that's it. I don't think I could find my way back from that.

Yes well. On this long and continuous unhappy note, I will depart the office for an unknown destination. The sun will rise tomorrow and so will I - one way or another. I'll plan a Thanksgiving post that will be thankful for the good stuff - maybe that will take the edge off of this black hole of an entry.