Where you at?

Soooo I started this blog in July. I guess I should check in on what progress has been made toward my hopes & goals. I have learned that the last 6 directly rely on whether or not I am able to attain the first. I'm sad to admit that money or rather the lack thereof affects my ability to achieve everything I say I want. It's sad but true.

So, where am I at?

Financial Recovery
Well, it seems as if I am on the brink of a breakthrough. It is possible that some financing might come through to guarantee 6 months worth of capital for my boss. If that happens he can pretty much guarantee my salary for that long. I'm hoping that will include a significant increase - enough to get me straight. Enough to get me healthy so I can make the most of my health insurance before I quit/so I can quit the grocery job.

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've been working for wondering if I'm going to make it. Wondering if it's really going to happen this time. I am hopeful but I'm tired too. I feel like I've almost reached an ellusive mirage I've been chasing for over a year. Visual illusion or true salvation? A few more weeks will tell the tale.

Write Something Everyday
Not quite making this one. Just too tired. My weeks are bookended with 12 hour days - Mondays & Fridays. I work til 10 most Saturdays & have worked several Sundays in recent weeks - Round and round we go. I don't have the creative energy to produce daily. But it is more than it was and at least I'm conscious of it now. Improvement.

Better Nutrition
This pretty much tanked when I had to stop buying groceries to save up for the dentist. Emergency Root Canal...whoohooo. Brought my Feel Better Food search to a screeching halt. My hair is still falling out like crazy. I spent 2 weeks doing Acai nearly every day and that pulled me out of a lupus spiral. I'm getting the benefit of it this week. Tapped my already stretched finances but it was either that or crash & burn.

Work Out Plan
Got my MP3 player charged up and I've downloaded several of the messages I've missed in recent weeks. This is some motivation to make it outdoors. Now all I need is for time and energy to collide on the same day and I'll be in business.

Weight Loss
Feels like I've finally lost a pinch. Not much. Just a bit more room in the pants. I'm sure the liquid diet of Acai I had going on last week was helpful. When my finances improve I'll be able to take a better crack at this one.

Finish the Novel
I did get a bit of inspiration last week. I kept stalling out because the plot was weak and the characters were too squeaky. I may have found a way to round out my main character's motivation. A bit of art imitating life - and since the life I'll be borrowing won't be my own I need to be incredibly tactful. Work.

Getting Out There
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Nunca.

Perspective really is Everything....

Just as I was ending another 12-hour day, I got a text from Deborah Sue saying that Al Woods had just died. I was so immediately and unexpectedly sad. Al is Mike and Niki's Dad - they were all very close. He and my Dad grew up a few years apart in the Punchbowl area of Honolulu. Al was a good guy - a jokester, tell-it-like-it-is, common sense kind of guy. He was warm and loving - a real sweetheart. A great sense of humor and the ultimate conversationalist. You could talk to Al about any topic under the sun and he'd have something interesting to say.

He had a double heart attack a couple of weeks ago but they were hopeful that he was going to pull through. I was praying that he wouldn't die on Niki's birthday. But that's exactly what happened. I was struck exceptionally hard about that because I know how much Niki loved her Dad. Niki was a Daddy's girl all the way - the sun still rose & set on him - even all these years later after she married and had kids of her own.

So it really hurt my heart that to have him pass on her birthday. I called and left her a message - telling her how sorry I was and that I am praying for her. But it just wasn't enough - I've been so worried about her and I just needed to know that she was ok. So I called Jake, her husband, who has been home with the kids here in California while Niki is with her Dad in Honolulu. He told me he had been praying as well that Al wouldn't go today. But when he talked to Niki she had already made her peace with it. She said her birthday was the first day he ever saw her and it was now the last day she would see him. She said she was happy to share the day with him.

I think that is really amazing and I am seeing things in a different light now. Where as before, I was asking God why he allowed that to happen. Niki has been through so much in her life - it didn't seem fair that she would lose her Dad this way. Now I understand. The same things that seem really bad to us - something to be dreaded and avoided - can actually be precious gifts to the one who receives it.

I'd like to say that all of the grief that I'm feeling is generated solely for Niki and her brother Mike but that wouldn't be entirely true. I'm thinking about my Dad too. He's in a place he doesn't want to be because he is unable to care for himself after his last stroke. All he ever wanted is to go peacefully in his sleep. He didn't want to linger in useless despair. But that is what has happened.

And he is so far away. It kills me not to be able to be there for him. I don't understand why things have turned out this way for him. I don't know why but I have to trust that God is working out his perfect plan for my Dad. And that his grace is sufficient for both of us. And that while peace and comfort might be hard to find in this life, it will be ours without fail for all of eternity.

Perspective really is everything....

Until I met a man with no shoes...

Hands down - the craziest thing I have ever seen. I usually avoid those tabloid-ish TLC health shows like 'world's smallest woman gives birth' and other freaky stories. But I just had to see the Half-Man Half-Tree. Oh my word, this Indonesian jungle man has some crazy skin disorder that causes wood-like warts to grow all over his body. His hands and feet have turned in huge tree limbs. It is seriously shocking.

Some American doctor has figured out that it is an auto-immune disorder & is trying to find a cure. The Indonesian government forcibly removed him from his house and decides to force him undergo 6 months worth of surgeries on live television. I was horrified for him and now I'm mad. Governments are such clumsy beasts. I could go on but I'll stop there.

So, I'm thinking there's not a whole lot worth complaining about. But is it possible to update without negativity? If not, maybe I will wait until I can manage that.

Ode to Fallen Ones and One Yet to Fall

Fallen

I saw you falling like a shooting star
in the dark night sky
brazen and beautiful
mesmerizing were you

A blazing arch of sparkling light
streaking naked across the heavens
but already fading as you fell

I caught my breath and felt unsteady
as I witnessed your charging descent
I never dreamed of looking away
not for a moment, not for a blink

Long before I was ready
your former glory was but a memory
Now there's nothing left to remind
the world of where your place had been

Couldn't even retrace your path
if I had a million years to try

Only one of your kind
Nothing can fill the blackhole that’s left behind

Found myself wishing, then and there
that you had chosen a different way to be
no flash, no bling, no rock and roll
just a pulsing diamond in the sky, always there to see

I'm out here alone, under the same dark sky
hoping, praying and wishing with all my might
that I don't see another falling star tonight

Silence...what's up with that

So I haven't had much to say recently. I had a fair amount lupus issues: fatigue, joint pain and even chest pain in early September. That has eased some. I had a birthday which netted me very little drama but kept me busy for a week. I'm still juggling 2 jobs - the grocery job is better since the head baker quit last week. He was a unpleasant territorial little man who spread misery like an infectious disease. His absence makes the job more tolerable than it was. I still want out in a big way but it doesn't look like it's going to happen soon.

My main job has become increasingly busy. Lots of motion but we're still waiting for the payoff. I'm just focused on doing the best I can - I'm trying not to worry about the money as that is a major a distraction. Survival isn't going to cut it - we need to thrive.

I've got to say...living poorly is getting old. I have two teeth that are about to turn on me but I don't have the resources. I'm going to end up in an emergency situation again. I got a referral from a co-worker to a dentist - they charged me $500. for xrays and a cleaning. $500.!!!! I could've had an entire crown done for that much. Nothing I can do about it now. Just have to hope that my teeth hold out long enough for me to pay that off and scrape more together to get them fixed one at a time.

I haven't been grocery shopping in almost a month. I do pick up a handful of things on Fridays when I get 30% off. A loaf of bread, a carton of milk, a few apples, some deli meat - the makings for a few not-so-well-rounded meals. Saving up for the dentist (who I thought was going to help me but totally jacked me instead) used up most of my food money.

It's pitiful really. I know it is. I can't believe I've been living like this for over a year. It is totally ridiculous that I am working 60 hours a week and I still can't afford to feed myself. How is that even possible? Who knew being so poor would make me so whiny...