Hmmm...yeah so I should probably wait on this one. Til there is more to say...than what might be. I think my years of waiting have left me ill-suited for more waiting. I am feeling very much like the result of Turtle & Hare crossbreeding.
I met up with my old friend & our reunion made it seem as though there might be romantic possibilities in the near future. A strange Alice in Wonderland moment for me - the realization of mutual attraction. I'm not sure how well I have navigated - I have my moments...positive & negative. Feeling more of the latter over the past couple of days because the contact has kind of slipped off. We're supposed to hang out this weekend - so I'm sure everything is fine. It's just unsettling...and anxiety making since we were in contact every day prior to this.
I'm so all or nothing - & my tendency is to bolt from even the mere hint of rejection. I guess that doesn't exactly make me well suited emotionally for romantic pursuits. This is challenging my thought patterns & go-to behaviors - I feel a little off-balance and unsure of myself. Meanwhile, I am making a conscious effort to appear confident and unfazed. I pull that off pretty well, if I do say so...at least for the moment.
Look, just the fact that this guy exists in my immediate universe is a full-on miracle. That's where I'm trying to live but my insecurities are working overtime trying to evaporate my reasons to marvel. To be at rest in this thing that I did not bring about and cannot control. So right now, today...I will keep myself straight by remembering that this is just what might be - and not yet what is.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The New and the Old
It's June already - how did that happen? I've been pretty swamped - today is the first day in weeks that I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Feels strange - like I'm slacking off.
The last 6 weeks were brutal. Tomorrow will make two weeks since I moved out of my home of nearly 8 years. My roomies decided to move for financial reasons and I couldn't afford the lease on my own. So out we went - they to her parents house and me to a room I found to rent on Craig's List. Most of my stuff is in POD storage - furniture & household goods. I organized all my baking stuff and put it in regular storage in my boss's unit. That makes me feel less out of touch with the stuff that makes me...me.
I brought only the stuff I couldn't imagine living without. My bed, a stack of cookbooks, my faux Tiffany lamp, a blender and my kitty Gabe. He survived the move better than I thought he would. He spent a week hiding under my quilt but he's been getting braver and has taken to exploring the house and trying to befriend his new housemates. Button & Beetle are year old kitty sisters - they have been fairly gracious so far...considering. They spent most of the week doing the feline version of a Mexican Standoff. Lots of hissing and posturing from the girls but no flying fur so far.
I moved less than a mile away - right down the street into the cape cod style townhouses that are on the edge of the park where I go to shoot baskets. I gave myself a week off after the move before I started working out again. I've been so exhausted - feels like I just can't get rested. I went down to the community gym on Monday and did a half hour on the treadmill. On Tuesday I got caught up in baking for my boss's birthday. I was up til midnight which is never a big deal for me but I was pretty exhausted over the next couple of days. My workout plan for the week fell way off course.
I've got a wedding to attend about a month from now. I don't really have anything to wear and I don't want to feel huge in whatever I'm able to scare up. I really need to get out there consistently if I have any hope of losing enough to feel better. Eating right just isn't enough to get it off.
So the best thing just happened. A guy I lost touch with 10+ years ago just found me on Facebook. So awesome. I looked for him for years after I moved to Hawaii but he had just vanished. We were really good friends in a time in my life when I didn't have any. If I was really honest, I'd admit that I had frequently hoped that our friendship would someday....evolve. It didn't though - at the time he had a girlfriend and wasn't a Christian so it wouldn't have gone anywhere good.
He looks really good. He's got pictures posted of him & his kid - a real cutie and obviously the love of his life. Sounds like he might have a couple of boys. His profile says he is a Christian now - I had always prayed he would find his way. It is really encouraging to know that he has.
He was the last guy I was really attracted to. Sad to admit that as it's been a dozen years since I've seen him. I guess I just don't find that many guys attractive. I think its mainly because I'm looking at more than the surface - I'm more interested in what's underneath. He had a good heart and he liked me back. Two things I haven't been able to find since we were in each others lives...so long ago. Hearing from him reminds me of what it was like to feel that way and of just how much I want to feel that way again.
Not that I'm thinking about restarting anything more than a friendship with him. I think it's just nice to reconnect with someone who really knew me & who liked me for me. Hoping for anything more than that is a setup and I won't do that to myself...not again.
I swore off unrequited love after I saw my first 'Mr. Right' put a ring on someone else's finger. While I watched him kiss his lovely bride, I suddenly began replaying all the moments we shared and realized how I had completely romanticized them into so much more than they were... I was finally able to see myself the way that he had all that time. And heard him trying to tell me that he knew I liked him but he didn't feel the same way. I vowed never to lose myself in someone that way again unless I knew he intended to return my affections.
I've lived up to that. Unfortunately, finding someone to share mutual affection with has been an unattainable dream. Thus far. Here's to hoping I am destined to experience more love than I ever imagined possible...despite all past & current evidence to the contrary.
The last 6 weeks were brutal. Tomorrow will make two weeks since I moved out of my home of nearly 8 years. My roomies decided to move for financial reasons and I couldn't afford the lease on my own. So out we went - they to her parents house and me to a room I found to rent on Craig's List. Most of my stuff is in POD storage - furniture & household goods. I organized all my baking stuff and put it in regular storage in my boss's unit. That makes me feel less out of touch with the stuff that makes me...me.
I brought only the stuff I couldn't imagine living without. My bed, a stack of cookbooks, my faux Tiffany lamp, a blender and my kitty Gabe. He survived the move better than I thought he would. He spent a week hiding under my quilt but he's been getting braver and has taken to exploring the house and trying to befriend his new housemates. Button & Beetle are year old kitty sisters - they have been fairly gracious so far...considering. They spent most of the week doing the feline version of a Mexican Standoff. Lots of hissing and posturing from the girls but no flying fur so far.
I moved less than a mile away - right down the street into the cape cod style townhouses that are on the edge of the park where I go to shoot baskets. I gave myself a week off after the move before I started working out again. I've been so exhausted - feels like I just can't get rested. I went down to the community gym on Monday and did a half hour on the treadmill. On Tuesday I got caught up in baking for my boss's birthday. I was up til midnight which is never a big deal for me but I was pretty exhausted over the next couple of days. My workout plan for the week fell way off course.
I've got a wedding to attend about a month from now. I don't really have anything to wear and I don't want to feel huge in whatever I'm able to scare up. I really need to get out there consistently if I have any hope of losing enough to feel better. Eating right just isn't enough to get it off.
So the best thing just happened. A guy I lost touch with 10+ years ago just found me on Facebook. So awesome. I looked for him for years after I moved to Hawaii but he had just vanished. We were really good friends in a time in my life when I didn't have any. If I was really honest, I'd admit that I had frequently hoped that our friendship would someday....evolve. It didn't though - at the time he had a girlfriend and wasn't a Christian so it wouldn't have gone anywhere good.
He looks really good. He's got pictures posted of him & his kid - a real cutie and obviously the love of his life. Sounds like he might have a couple of boys. His profile says he is a Christian now - I had always prayed he would find his way. It is really encouraging to know that he has.
He was the last guy I was really attracted to. Sad to admit that as it's been a dozen years since I've seen him. I guess I just don't find that many guys attractive. I think its mainly because I'm looking at more than the surface - I'm more interested in what's underneath. He had a good heart and he liked me back. Two things I haven't been able to find since we were in each others lives...so long ago. Hearing from him reminds me of what it was like to feel that way and of just how much I want to feel that way again.
Not that I'm thinking about restarting anything more than a friendship with him. I think it's just nice to reconnect with someone who really knew me & who liked me for me. Hoping for anything more than that is a setup and I won't do that to myself...not again.
I swore off unrequited love after I saw my first 'Mr. Right' put a ring on someone else's finger. While I watched him kiss his lovely bride, I suddenly began replaying all the moments we shared and realized how I had completely romanticized them into so much more than they were... I was finally able to see myself the way that he had all that time. And heard him trying to tell me that he knew I liked him but he didn't feel the same way. I vowed never to lose myself in someone that way again unless I knew he intended to return my affections.
I've lived up to that. Unfortunately, finding someone to share mutual affection with has been an unattainable dream. Thus far. Here's to hoping I am destined to experience more love than I ever imagined possible...despite all past & current evidence to the contrary.
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