Hmmm...yeah so I should probably wait on this one. Til there is more to say...than what might be. I think my years of waiting have left me ill-suited for more waiting. I am feeling very much like the result of Turtle & Hare crossbreeding.
I met up with my old friend & our reunion made it seem as though there might be romantic possibilities in the near future. A strange Alice in Wonderland moment for me - the realization of mutual attraction. I'm not sure how well I have navigated - I have my moments...positive & negative. Feeling more of the latter over the past couple of days because the contact has kind of slipped off. We're supposed to hang out this weekend - so I'm sure everything is fine. It's just unsettling...and anxiety making since we were in contact every day prior to this.
I'm so all or nothing - & my tendency is to bolt from even the mere hint of rejection. I guess that doesn't exactly make me well suited emotionally for romantic pursuits. This is challenging my thought patterns & go-to behaviors - I feel a little off-balance and unsure of myself. Meanwhile, I am making a conscious effort to appear confident and unfazed. I pull that off pretty well, if I do say so...at least for the moment.
Look, just the fact that this guy exists in my immediate universe is a full-on miracle. That's where I'm trying to live but my insecurities are working overtime trying to evaporate my reasons to marvel. To be at rest in this thing that I did not bring about and cannot control. So right now, today...I will keep myself straight by remembering that this is just what might be - and not yet what is.
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