It's the eve of the New Year. I've been M.I.A. here for many weeks - working mostly. Also haven't had much to say. I don't have much to say tonight either. Just doesn't seem right to silently fold over into another year.
I am soooo glad the holidays are over - they were hard for me this year. I haven't figured out why. I have had many moments of crushing self-realization. I avoided looking in the mirror for most of the past year. Now it's all I can seem to do. I keep thinking - how did I become this person? Pathetic, miserable, bitter and consumed with disappointment. I am not coping well. My circumstances have finally gotten the better of me.
I feel disappointed about every aspect of my life - sometimes I wonder if I reek of it. I must. I've waited and waited and waited. At least with God I thought I wasn't invisible. I thought if I just kept waiting that eventually something or someone amazing would happen. I was patient and good and it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. Saying this makes me feel worse. It goes against my faith & everything I believe to utter those words.
Pretty sure it's the depression talking. It's like quicksand - it takes you down an inch at a time until you're up to your neck & fighting for every breath. I'm either crying or on the verge of it and everything is a trigger. I'm going to go get some blood work done - maybe some of this is organic...wouldn't that be nice? There's no magic pill fix for me. It can't all be physical. I'm way too lonely for that.
Happy flippin New Year, right? Well, here's to hoping it will be. My ability to hope is tarnished and broken. If I find the right solution, maybe I can be shiny clean and whole again. Three minutes to go...gotta watch the ball drop now.
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