what was > what is < what will be

Translation:
what was = greater than what is
what is = less than what will be

I was thinking about this all day. I just posted it on my FB page & I really like it. It's rare to find the perfect words to express exactly what I'm feeling in the moment.

Yesterday I was thinking, I got my heart broken for real. I suppose I thought it was an experience I was going to be able to avoid. It's not like I consciously thought about it. But I'm becoming aware of just how heavily I rely on logic & reasoning. Like they are bodyguards that will somehow keep me from injury. Of course, it doesn't apply to matters of the heart. As much as I wish it did.

I read an article today - "Lessons from Life's Playground". I found a bit of freedom in it. Allowing someone to say 'no' to being in my life and not letting their choice diminish me. Rejection has always been such a weighted & negative thing in my life. This time, I am trying to see the positive. Better to ache now than be devastated later.

I told my boss yesterday - I find it strange that I seem to miss T more as time goes on. Even though I know what I'm really missing is the idea of him, who I thought he was and had hoped he would become in my life. And knowing that it's a mirage - an unobtainable thing - just makes it that much harder. Because it means I'm longing for something & someone that does not now or may not have ever existed. And that's not how I roll...at least not anymore.

My friends say that nothing positive came out of the relationship for me. I don't agree with that entirely. I had a non-specific blurry form of loneliness before. Now it is focused & razor-sharp because I know exactly what I'm missing. Which is somehow much more motivating. Before T, I could drown it out with white noise - I had the t.v. or radio on 24/7 . But it just doesn't work anymore. I've been overtaken by a deep restlessness that I can't (and perhaps shouldn't?) escape. How will things ever change if I keep finding ways to make it bearable? It's not bearable - therefore I must find real & lasting relief!

The greatest frustration continues to be the financial shackles that still bind me. I can't 'get out there' until things stabilize. And it keeps getting pushed off which only prolongs the state I'm locked into. I am so sick of talking about it - of having my life defined by it. One thing is for sure, my generosity is going to be let out to play much less often than it has in the past. I don't want to be in these circumstances for these reasons - ever again.

So, yeah. I'm not real thrilled with my current reality. I am challenged to "keep my hopes unbroken". It is no small task for me...to survive 'what is' long enough to make it to 'what will be'. Oh how I pray I do.