It's been ages since I posted. I loaned my laptop to a friend which means I don't write at home anymore. I borrow a laptop from time to time but it is unreliable so I refuse to write on it. Can't imagine having my creative expressions 'vanished' without warning - I'd rather not write at all.
It took longer than I expected to get straight in the head after my summer romance hit the skids. Finally feel like I've got a better perspective on it. It seems I've spent the last half of my thirties learning how to just care less about things. How not to get so tangled up in what other people are thinking and other things you can't control. No more scrambling to explain myself or trying to get more from people than they are capable of giving. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it.
For someone who lacks imagination - I can certainly conjure up ridiculously fantastic worlds. The most recent of which is little place I like to call 'Somedayland' where all questions are answered and love & kindness are both acknowledged and reciprocated. Someday, when healing & redemption have worked it out - things will be different. He will finally understand 'why' I chose to keep showing up. Maybe, if I'm patient and hang on until he's well again, he will finally come around for good. He'll say all the things I want to hear and do all the things I know he's capable of doing. He'll be the guy I thought he was - the guy I still know he can be.
Yeah, that's how it rolls in Somedayland. No mixed messages. No broken promises. And no pesky, intrusive fantasy-busting thoughts - like even if he does achieve such heights, aren't I already past the point that it matters...in terms of relationship potential? Haven't I already done the test drive and decided I'd better find a more reliable/less tempermental model?
In the real world, for all intents & purposes - that ship has sailed. It's left the harbor and melted into the farthest horizon. Perhaps it's for the best in more ways than I will ever know. That's the thought brings me peace like no other.
Ah, the seduction of redemption. How the potential of a changed life can become a siren song of sorts. It's the draw of the story...fantastic, radical and glorious to behold. Oh how I hoped it would be mine. But there I go again...always wanting to be the exception to the rule. Hoping that just this once, the rules won't apply to me.
It's the music that taunts me whenever I threaten (however unconvincingly) to shut the door for good. Longing lyrics that nakedly splay my deepest desires. Helium Hopes that play bi-polar games with my emotions. I've gotta be more careful. I think I'm gonna have to add The Fray to my 'Do Not Play' list.
She Is - The Fray
Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land
This is gonna to break me clean in two
This is gonna to bring me close to you
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication
This is gonna bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
This is gonna bring me to my knees
I just wanna hold you close to me
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I needed
She is everything
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